Pandora's Box

Pandora's Box Over the course of the last year i found myself stuck in a rut. My life was wondering aimlessly in no particular direction. I was in school heading towards a major tht seemed more and more irrevelant in the 20th century. Financial struggles eventually forced me out of school altogether, destablizing the little bit of a grasp i had on this thing called life. At one point i sAt in the basement of my mothers house, lacking both a job and a complete education, and no where near streetworthy to hustle my way to top. I waSnt Athlatically gifted enuff to turn sports into a skill and my rap game was more of a toddlers game than.. Well rap. So there i was. A man who specialized at nothing, with a particular skill of... Nothing. Sure i would eventually get a minimum wadge job here or there, making exactly enough money to pay a fonebill and transpertation, and leaving you with enuff money to wish the next payweek would hurry the hell up. Never in my dreams did I imagine tht I would be living from paycheck to paycheck. But Im not sure why I felt tht I waz privilidge enuff to escape the struggles of my past. My mother lived from paycheck to paycheck for much of my childhood. It took her years to finally find the key to pandora' box and unviel the mysteries of above poverty living and middle class luxaries. Wht leads me to believe tht I can learn from the mistakes of her past? oooooo yea of course. Its the belief tht collage will solve all of your lifes problems. Since I was a lil boy, everyone told me tht I would go to collage and make something of myself. My mother was a college drop out (pergnancy forced her to drop out) and has always stressed the importants of finishing that degree. Shes been down the very same road im treading and knows the struggles ahead. Every other day she still ( to this day) urges us to finish school) she wasnt the only one. Ive had teachers and friends, people in high places tell me tht im "college material" and tht id make something of myself. Of course im not blaming my mother or those who believed in me. That would be foolish and would be nothing more than shifting the blame of my problems to others. It all sounded good growing up tho as it should have. It made me feel invincible. It all went in my head little by little leaving, out the faint possibility that mabie they were all wrong. Tht mabie im not college material. NOOO, tht was impossible rite? After all i spent 15 years hearing and believing the very opposite. Failure was never part of the plan. But her we are now. That little kid tht was lead to believe tht he could do anything, who felt that he could do everything, finds himself doing nothing. The whispers of success and invincibility have long since passed. I am human once again. And I feel like a failure. After all anything less than a collage graduate, a Lawyer would equate to failure rite? Thats what It felt like. As a kid i made promises. I promise id buy my mom a nice house, convertable and the rest of the world. Most importabtly i promised her that I would make something of myself, tht i would make her proud. Anythibg less would equate to immediate failure. Sure the promise of the house and the car and rest of the world may not belong to her, (those kiddy promises dont way me down) but the promise to be successful is wht matters most. Being as tho im a collage dropout tht promised her the world, it feels like i failed her there. And ive felt that way for quite some time. Atleast a couple of years. Now here we are on this beautiful spring day working at a job with plenty of time to think and i doing aot of it.. Thinking. Thinking kead to this blog.. Why doesa collage degree dictate a successful life? I turn again to use my mother as an example. A hard working mother of 4 who worked her way from the bottom to the top, finding succes w/o tht piece of paper tht says diploma. Sure it was the hard way, but what in this life is easy? So after alot of thinking at this dead-end job i decided to stop thinking and take iniciative. It may come at the expense of my deploma, or may not. Who really knows? Only time will tell. What i know is this. I have to take action and begin wht is, the rest of my life. And while i have no fancy gifts for my mother or mega law degree, i do have one thing. The key to pandora, the blueprint of success your way, the way mo mother did so long ago. Only irony can explain my next series of moves in life. I plan to apply for septa, drive a bus and make good money, thts my key, the same way my mother did it so many years ago. Ooo tht pesky sense of irony. And while this plan is in the beginning stages of existence, without the security of a collage diploma, atleast im beginnin to regain control of my life once again.